Thirty Second Romances
by FishOutOfWater
Summary: A series of short, utterly stupid romances featuring various Harry Potter couples. No pairings are spared! (Remus/Sirius NEW 8/11)
1. Harry x Hermione

**Thirty Second Romances  
**  
_Part One: Harry/Hermione****_  


  
Summary: A series of short, utterly stupid romances featuring various het and slash couples. Not even my favorite pairings are spared! Borders more on stupidity than parody.  
Categories: Humor, Parody, Romance  
Rating: PG-13, I suppose.  
Notes: Will be updated on a whenever I feel like it basis. My favorite pairing, H/Hr, is up first because I can admit that many sucky fanfics have been written about this pairing, even if it is my favorite when well-written.  
  
*****  
  
"I've had it with you, Ron Weasley!" Hermione screamed loudly at her now ex-boyfriend during dinner hour. "You don't respect me! You always fight with me! I hate you!"  
  
"Consider this relationship OVER!" Hermione yelled at the top of her lungs. She stormed out of the dining hall, leaving the entire hall silent over the shock.  
  
"Whaaat?" Ron wailed, breaking the silence. "I thought we were gonna be together forever! Two kids, a house in the suburbs, and...WAAAH!" Ron began sobbing.  
  
"I thought you were gonna be together forever, tooooo!" Ginny said sympathetically, giving her brother a hug. He started sobbing even more loudly on Ginny's shoulder.  
  
Meanwhile, Harry stood there with an evil grin on his face. Ah-ha! They'd finally broken up! He'd known this would happen, and he even encouraged this fighting because he'd known it would lead to their breakup sooner! Now, it was done, and he would finally be able to win over the Hermione he LOVED!  
  
The commotion had finally ceased, and Seamus said quietly to Harry, "Hey man! Go make the Hermione feel better! I bet she's sobbing! You're her best, most platonic friend!" Dean nodded, agreeing.  
  
"Well, guys, I think I will," replied Harry suavely, brushing his hand through his hair and getting up. "But I have something else to take care of, first!"  
  
Harry walked over to the Ravenclaw table. "Cho! Cho Chang!"  
  
Cho smiled, stood up, and tried to kiss Harry. "Hello, sexy boyfriend!" she cooed. "I am, like, soooooo, like, sorry to hear about, like, the, like breakup! Let's have sex! You'll, like, feel sooooo much better!"  
  
Harry struggled to get Cho out of his arms. "Are you kidding!? You slut! I'm here to break up with you!"  
  
"Excuuuse me! I am, like, soooo popular! You can't break up with me!"  
  
"Oh yes I can, bitch! I've been using you for the sex!"  
  
"WHAT!?" Cho shouted angrily."You...you asshole!" The whole great hall quieted down once again.  
  
"Me, the asshole? I know you've been two-timing me with Draco, Seamus, Colin, Oliver Wood, Professor Snape, and Percy Weasley!" Harry exclaimed. "I've only been biding my time with you, waiting for my true desire to break up with Ron...HERMIONE GRANGER!"  
  
Ron stopped sobbing. "YOU BASTARD!" he yelled across the room. "You've been cheating on me! I hate you! We'll never be friends again!"  
  
"See what I care!" Harry shot back. "Hey Cho and Ron, go have sex together, it'll make you feel better!" With that, Harry exited as dramatically as Hermione had earlier.  
  
With the speed of a muggle bullet, Harry ran to the Gryffindor girl's dorms, determined to get to his sweet love as soon as possible. He found her lying on her bed, tears coming out of her eyes.  
  
"Hermione, sweetie, I'm here!" Harry cooed.  
  
Hermione ran up to Harry and threw her arms around him. "Oh, Harry! Thank god! I'm so worried...did I do the right thing breaking up with him, my Harry?"  
  
Discreetly running his hand down her 36-24-36 body, Harry replied, "Oh yes, you did, babe."  
  
"It's just that," Hermione gasped between sobs, "I realized that I'm tired of fighting with Ron. At dinner, the thought suddenly came to me that....I LOVE YOU MORE!"  
  
Harry grinned. "I thought so."  
  
"Oh, Harry! This platonic-ness....we're not platonic! Friends make the best lovers, like duh! The hero has to get the girl! Not the stupid sidekick!"  
  
"Hey, hey, I totally agree," Harry replied, patting her on the back. "Now shut up and kiss me."  
  
So she did, and they made out for a long, long, long, long time until they got tired and needed a break.  
  
"So, my sweet Herm, or is it Mione, I did make Ron a bit...angry, when I announced how I felt about you at dinner after you left."  
  
Hermione grinned. "Who cares? Ron sucks! I think we should lock him in a broom closet for a year or so and make out some more!"  
  
"My thoughts exactly," Harry replied. So they continued making out and had hot sex on Hermione's bed because everything was just soooooo perfect that nobody was going to interrupt this amazing and beautiful moment.  
  
Meanwhile, Cho and Ron were having comfort sex in front of everyone in the great hall, but that's another story!  
  
*****  
_  
End of Part One_


	2. Harry x Ginny

**Thirty Second Romances  
**  
_Part Two: Harry/Ginny****_  


  
Part two notes: Harry/Ginny, a pairing I've never been all that fond of (I don't hate it, it just bores me), comes next in this "no-pairings-are-spared" series. Since I've honestly read hardly any fics with an H/G main-pairing (usually I only see them as a sub-pairing in the fics I read, if at all), this may not be as "accurately cliche" as the H/Hr fic.  
  
*****  
  
She was obsessed. Very obsessed. Very, very obsessed.  
  
That's right. Ginny Weasley never had gotten over her long-time crush on Harry Potter after the Chamber of Secrets fiasco. Here she was, 16 years old, and still madly in love with The Boy Who Lived. She dreamed about him, cried about him, and kissed his picture every night. Oddly enough, nobody at Hogwarts found this behavior truly pathetic. It seemed perfectly normal to them that someone would continue this obsessive behavior for 6 years without even looking at another man. No, they thought it was cute!  
  
"Ginny, you are the most amazing, perfect sister in the whole entire world," Ron told her one day in the common room. "My friend, Harry, is a fool to miss that. In fact, since he's not falling for you on his own, I'm going to MAKE him fall for you!"  
  
"R-really?" Ginny said happily.  
  
"Yep!"  
  
"Well, so, what's the plan?" asked Ginny.  
  
Ron just sat there, a clueless look on his face. This might have gone on forever if Hermione hadn't picked that exact moment to enter the Gryffindor common room. "I somehow just overhead your conversation from a mile away since I'm sooo smart," Hermione said, sitting down next to Ron, who had become her boyfriend for unknown reasons at a random point in time. "So, I have an idea. We'll have a Gryffindor Christmas party and trap them under mistletoe! Ginny will be so beautiful, Harry won't be able to RESIST her!"  
  
"Mistletoe?" Ginny repeated. "Cool. Mistletoe! That's a great idea!"  
  
"'Mione, you're so brilliant!" Ron cooed, giving Hermione sweet kisses.  
  
"I know, sweetie pie," Hermione said. "I want Harry to be a Weasley just as much as you do!"  
  
Ron grinned. "Isn't this great! We'll all be a big, happy Weasley family!"  
  
"So, it's settled then?" Ginny asked. "A Gryffindor Christmas party next week in the common room? Complete with mistletoe?"  
  
"Yep! I'll make the arrangements," Hermione replied skipping off happily.  
  
Meanwhile, it was only early October, but nobody seemed to notice or care.  
  
***  
_One week later..._  
  
Every Gryffindor loved the party, Ron noted happily. Yep, it was a success! But, the question was, was Harry having a good time? Was GINNY? He finally found Harry with his young Gryffindor girlfriend, Anna Moss. Harry did not look happy. That was not good!  
  
"What are you doing, Ron Weasley?" Harry asked, hands-on-his hips, looking threateningly at his friend.  
  
"Um...having a Christmas party?"  
  
"YOU CAN'T FOOL ME!" Harry yelled. "This is one of your stupid plots to marry me into the Weasley family again!"  
  
Ron glanced at Hermione, who had again come to his side. "Erm, my sweet Hermmeey, we've been caught!"  
  
"Shh," Hermione whispered to Ron. "Calm down, Harry! We're your best friends! Do you really think we'd do that yet again?" Hermione said quickly.  
  
"Yes, I do!" Harry exclaimed. "Your sister is a nice girl, Ron, but she's a creepy, obsessive stalker! She's been following me around for the past 6 years at Hogwarts! I'm not falling for it this time, just like I never have!" Harry took his Generic Gryffindor Girlfriend's arm and stormed off.  
  
"Oh shit. We're screwed," Ron said to Hermione.  
  
"Don't worry, love boat, I've got it all planned out," Hermione said with a smile, passionately kissing her boyfriend. "HE WILL BE A WEASLEY!"  
  
Harry walked around a bit longer before he saw Ginny. Everyone else was dressed casually, but Ginny was decked out in gorgeous, angelic white robes. Lavender and Pavrati had done her hair and makeup, and, wow, she looked so beautiful! Like an angel! And that RED Hair!  
  
Wait a minute...why was he thinking about Ginny like that? Annoying, stalker Ginny? Harry shook his head in frustration and turned back to his girlfriend. Suddenly, though, Ginny walked up to him, placing her hands on his shoulders.  
  
"Hi, Harry," she said sweetly.  
  
Harry couldn't move. Her hands....they felt sooo good! By the time he came to his senses and tried to move away, he realized he was bound to her by magic!  
  
"Oh, look!" Ron cried, silencing the party. "Harry and my sister are stuck magically under the mistletoe! They have to kiss!"  
  
"Ooooh!" everyone cried, watching.  
  
Suddenly, Harry could no longer resist! She was so beautiful, so supple, so gorgeous...he leaned in!"  
  
It was ecstasy! Amazing! Perfect! Harry knew the moment he felt that mouth that he had been wrong. No wonder Ginny had lusted after him for so long! They were SOUL MATES! Who cared if they had the chemistry of a dead tuna fish?  
  
"Ginny, I love you!" Harry gasped, feeling her breasts as the mistletoe moved away.  
  
"I LOVE YOU TOO!" Ginny yelled happily. They began kissing and feeling each other, not even noticing when Ron and Hermione walked up.  
  
"Told ya he'd come around!" Hermione told Ron. They began kissing, too. Finally, all the kissing stopped.  
  
"So," said Ron, "Now that this is all over with, what do you say we all get married tomorrow? It'll be a Weasley wedding!"  
  
"YEAH!" Harry, Ginny, and Hermione agreed. Everyone else at the party also seemed to think this was a GREAT IDEA, even though they were just 16 and 17!  
  
So Harry and Ginny kissed some more, and then the four of them had one hot orgy in the common room for the entire night. Then, they all got married the next day and lived in a cute little house together for the rest of their lives.  
  
Yep...it was one big, happy Weasley family!  
  
*****  
  
End of part 2  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Ron x Hermione

**Thirty Second Romances**  


  


_Part Three: Ron/Hermione_  


  
Notes: Ah, another thirty second romance, this one featuring the ever-popular-for-reasons-I'm-missing R/Hr 'ship. Remember, these ficlets are all in good fun and not meant to offend!  
Shameless Plug: If you dislike R/Hr (or just hate cliche R/Hr fics), and you find this series somewhat funny, read my longer, funnier R/Hr romance parody, entitled: **"Oh No! Not Another Bad R/Hr Romance!"** You can access it by clicking on my user name.  
  
*****  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were randomly walking around the Hogwarts grounds, doing nothing important for no apparent reason. Harry stood in-between Ron and Hermione, trying to protect them from killing each other as they had a fight over whether Britney Spears or Avril Lavigne was cooler.  
  
Of course, Ron knew nothing about muggle singers, and the year was 1996, so no one had heard of these pop stars, but that didn't seem to matter.  
  
"Britney has the more danceable songs!" Ron said.  
  
"But Avril and more original and pseudo-punk just ROCKS!" Hermione retorted.  
  
"Britney is hotter and has bigger boobs!" Ron said angrily.  
  
"What! How DARE you be so superficial, Ron!" Hermione yelled and, in a fury of rage, leaned past Harry to slap Ron.  
  
"Well, you just have no taste, pseudo-punk girl!" Ron screamed back, hitting Hermione on the head.  
  
"Asshole!"  
  
"Bitch!"  
  
Harry, at this point, decided to clear his throat. "That's it! I've had it with both of you! I won't be your peacemaker anymore because I'm tired of your stupid little fights! In face, I'm so mad that I'm going to run away with a Hufflepuff named Sally right- oooooow!"  
  
Ron, in an attempt to hit Hermione again, accidentally made contact with Harry's head. Harry fainted on the spot and was knocked out cold.  
  
Instead of doing the smart thing and taking Harry to the infirmary, Ron and Hermione completely ignored his predicament. They kept on fighting, their bodies suddenly pressed firmly together without Harry to separate them.  
  
"You're soooo MEAN, Hermione!" said Ron, their fight taking a more personal turn.  
  
"Well, you're meaner!"  
  
"Why, you good for nothing little-"  
  
"Dumb bitch!" Ron yelled, grabbing Hermione and shaking her, full throttle.  
  
"Hey, women's rights! This is RAPE!" Hermione cried emphatically, socking Ron in the stomach. Ron fell to the floor.  
  
Seeing Ron on the ground made Hermione admittedly easily changeable heart melt. Wow, he looked so beautiful when he was crippled, that poor bastard! Unfortunately, she lost the thought when he stood up.  
  
"You hit like a girl," Ron grumbled, sticking out his tongue at Hermione.  
  
Suddenly, Ron and Hermione noticed they had somehow, in the middle of their fight, they had entered the Gryffindor common room. Even though it was class time, every single Gryffindor had randomly decided to cut class that day, and they were all sitting in the common room, except for Harry.  
  
Yep, it had been a Gryffindor GOSSIP TIME, and only Ron and Hermione's dramatic entrance could stop the talking! Then, it started up again, this time featuring Ron and Hermione's relationship!  
  
"My brother has the biggest crush on Hermione!" Ginny whispered to Colin Creevy as Ron tackled Hermione.  
  
"Yeah, it's so obvious! I mean, why else would people be fighting other than unresolved sexual feelings?" Colin replied.  
  
"Beats me! Here, have some popcorn."  
  
Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione were fighting, tearing and beating each other up, while all the Gryffindors watched and ate popcorn, none of them bothering to stop them, despite bruises galore on their skulls!  
  
Finally, Ron, being the male "stronger sex," pushed Hermione down onto the floor. A-ha! He had done it! He had defeated Hermione! Yeah, baby, he was gooood....  
  
The whole Gryffindor house sat there in suspense, waiting for what was coming next.  
  
It just then, with Hermione below him on the floor, that Ron realized how hot her body felt. How beautiful her AMAZING BOOBIES WERE! And that his crush on her had NEVER GONE AWAY!  
  
Hermione, at the same moment, looked at Ron, eyes wide. He was HOT! He was HANDSOME! How could she have not noticed the HOT SEXUAL TENSION beneath the surface of their fights?  
  
Ron couldn't take it any more. He learned down into the floor and gave Hermione a hot, sexy kiss.  
  
Hermione kissed back. "Wow, Ron! That was awesome! Let's be boyfriend and girlfriend! All these fights have led up to this hot release of the feelings we've hidden for so long in our arguing!"  
  
Everyone in the Gryffindor common room clapped as Ron and Hermione kissed again as they panted from hotttt sexual passion. This time, Ron and Hermione didn't stop and kept on kissing! Within ten minutes, the whole school somehow found out about their AMAZING LOVE!  
  
A few minutes later, a mysteriously revived Harry walked casually into the common room. "Um, hey all guys," he said. "Erm, ah, what's going on? Did Hermione get hurt? Is Ron giving her mouth to mouth?"  
  
Some random Gryffindors walked up to Harry. "Ah, Harry, it looks like we have A LOT of explaining to do. When a man loves a woman..."  
  
"...They give each other mouth-to-mouth?" Harry asked innocently.  
  
The entire Gryffindor house groaned at his inherent cluelessness.  
  
In the meantime, Ron and Hermione had fainted. See, they'd been kissing for a long, long time, and they were so passionate they forgot to breathe. Oops.  
  
But that, I suppose, is the price you pay for love!  
  
*****  
  
_End of part 3_


	4. Draco x Hermione

**Thirty Second Romances**  


  


_Part Four: Draco/Hermione_  


  
Notes: Part four is here! I've seen a few long, extremely well done stories that make D/Hr shockingly plausible. However, I find that most D/Hrs are totally OOC, cliche, and completely unrealistic.  
  
*****  
  
It was late at night at the beginning of fifth year, and a very, happy, singing, and noticeably not evil Draco Malfoy was walking down some unknown, backwater Hogwarts corridor in the middle of night. He didn't have an invisibility cloak, but for some reason *knew* that he would never get caught, for some mysterious reason.  
  
*crash*  
  
Draco gave a big long siiiiiigh. It could be Filch, couldn't it, coming to punish his pretty boy, no longer evil ass!? Nah, not in this fanfic.  
  
"Hello, Draco." Hermione stood before him.  
  
*Wow! What an amazing COINCIDENCE! Draco thought. Hermione just HAPPENED to be in the same backwater corridor at some ridiculously late hour! Talk about chance. Talk about perfection.  
  
"Oh my God!" Draco exclaimed. "You called me Draco...Hermione. With your sweet, sweet voice!"  
  
Hermione gasped. "EWW! I CALLED YOU DRACO! THAT MEANS NOTHING!"  
  
"Hermione! No! I've changed! Stop being afraid!"  
  
"Whatever, Malfoy," Hermione said glaring. "I think I will proceed to do some annoying Hermione-like things, whatever the hell they are."  
  
"No, wait!" Draco gasped. "You see, I'm not bad any more! I'm GOOD! Do I have to break out in happy songs?"  
  
"Oh, really?" Hermione asked, unconvinced.  
  
Draco got down on one knee. "I feeeeel pretty, I feel happy, I feel pretty and ditty and gaaaaaaaay!"  
  
Hermione put her hands on her ears. "SHUT UP!" she screamed. "Okay, that was very out of character. Something must be going on so spit it out, Malfoy."  
  
Draco danced around. "Alas, Dear 'Mione," He sang, strutting up to her. "I no longer like the baaaaaaaad side! I'm a gooooood guy?"  
  
Putting her hands on her hips, Hermione asked, "Since when?"  
  
"Since this suuuumer!" he sang soulfully. "Because as you know people's views can shockingly completely change in 10 weeks!" he cooed.  
  
"Right..." Hermione muttered.  
  
"Oh! My Hermione! I want to disown my father! I hate my friends! I hate Voldie and I now think Harry is really cool! But I need help disowning my powerful Daddy!"  
  
"...How so?" Hermione finally remarked.  
  
Draco walked to Hermione and got on his knee. "Oh, you see Hermione, the help I need is YOU! Since my 180 degree turnaround, I have been madly in love with you!" He grabbed her hands. "My dear, sweet love! Hermione Granger!"  
  
"Huh?" Hermione said, noticeably blushing. "I'm, ah, a muggle-born..."  
  
Draco aggressively put his arms around Hermione. "Oh, I no longer care, my sweet baby Granger," he sang. "My personality has changed so that I am now a fluffy, Harry-like Gryffindor with blond hair who is much better looking!"  
  
Hermione looked at him, up and down. Suddenly, a big smile appeared on her face. "Oh, thank God you've turned Draco! Now I no longer have to hide my feelings for you!"  
  
"Wow, you have feelings for me too? I KNEW IT!"  
  
"Oh yes! Everyone thought I liked Harry or, eww, even worse Ron, but really, I always thought you were sooooo hot!" Hermione cried passionately. "Who cares that I'm normally rational and acting totally out of character by liking you? Let's get together and make sweet love!"  
  
Draco took Hermione's arm. "Let's Dance, love!" So, they danced for a little while. "Oh, I can't wait until I get resorted into Gryffindor and disown my father and have millions of babies with you!" He stopped. "Wait a minute- will your friends mind?"  
  
Hermione grinned and kissed Draco. "Naaah. I know Harry was your rival, but he's so accepting, don't worry! And even though Ron hates you and has a crush on me I know he'll accept you with open arms!"  
  
"Awesome!" Draco cried.  
  
Hermione grinned naughtily. "Now, my wonderful Dragon, let's make sweet love all night!" she roared.  
  
"Okay!" So they danced in the nude and made sweet love all night, and the next day Draco got resorted into Gryffindor, became BEST PALS with Harry and Ron, and disowned his father.  
  
And Draco and Hermione? Well, let's just say they lived out-of-characterly ever after.  
  
***  
  
_End of Part 4.  
_


	5. James x Lily

**Thirty Second Romances**  


  


_Part Five: James/Lily_  


  
Notes: As JK Rowling intended it, James/Lily is a lovely pairing. However, the way most fanfics butcher their "romance" is quite...horrifying. So we're going to Marauder time, folks!  
  
Other note: Someone asked me why the parts are so short. Well...they're called thirty second romances for a reason. :) I aim for each part to be between 600-1000 words. If you want longer, go read a real romance and not a spoof! LOL.  
  
*****  
  
Lily Evans was the most POPULAR girl in the school. This girl, for starters, was a BABE. Her lovely red curls dangled around her enormous, emerald-like green eyes, which lit up her gorgeous, perfect face. She was captain of the cheerleading squad (even though they didn't haveone at Hogwarts), and sweet, outgoing, and peppy. Every time people heard her voice, they cried tears of joy. For some inexplicable reason, she had no boyfriend. But every guy in the school, even Slytherins, badly wanted to date her!  
  
Well, all except one.  
  
James Potter was a certified STUD. He was a Quidditch star with *dashing* looks. Indeed, everyone described him as "even sexier than Harry Potter and Lucius Malfoy combined," even though Harry did not yet exist. He was also famous for his ASTOUNDING social skills and his brilliant prankster abilities. Yes, the Gryffindor guy had it all. He had no girlfriend, but almost every girl was madly in love with him!  
  
ALMOST all, you see, because Lily and James HATED each other. They were both soooo popular and Gryffindors, but from the day they saw each other at age eleven, their reaction was inexplicable hate.  
  
One day, the bored Marauders, minus quidditch-practicing James, decided to plan their next *brilliant* prank.  
  
"I know!" said Wormtail, er Peter, one day to Sirius and Remus. "Let's randomly play a trick on our best buddy James!"  
  
"Yeah," Sirius and Remus generically replied because they really HATED Peter and knew he would go bad.  
  
"So guys, I have a good idea!"  
  
"What," they replied, nodding their heads.  
  
"Let's lock James up with Lily in a broom closet for a long period of time!" Peter said, laughing. "It'll be soooo funny and I know we all love torturing him!"  
  
Sirius perked up. "Yeah! Sounds good!"   
  
With that permission, Peter ran off instantaneously and magically found James on the Quidditch field, showing off his muscles to adoring female fans. Ignoring all the muscles James had, Peter astoundingly managed to drag James, accompanied by periodic cries of "What the fuck are you doing!?" to a random broom closet.  
  
Somehow, Sirius and Remus dragged Lily from her Generic Popular Friends to the EXACT SAME broom closet!  
  
"Hey!" Lily shrieked as the shoved her in at the same time as James.  
  
"AHHHHHHH!" Came two loud cries from the broom closet.  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Peter, Sirius, and Remus cried from outside the closet.  
  
"We'll get you out tomorrow!" Peter cried, snickering.  
  
Meanwhile, James glared at Lily. "Eww! I'm stuck with a girl!"  
  
"Eww!" she responded. "Even though I'm 17, I believe in cooties!"  
  
"Me too, and I hate you!" said James.  
  
"No, I hate you more!" Lily cried.  
  
"I hate you the most!" James replied.  
  
"I HATE YOU!"  
  
"YOU SUCK!"  
  
"Well I bet you shit in your pants!" said Lily.  
  
"I bet you put brooms up your ass!" said James.  
  
"Fudge you!" cried Lily daintily, afraid to say the F word.  
  
"Well, same to you!"  
  
For the next several hours, the completely random, stupid insults continued on. Lily and James just couldn't STOP the YELLING!  
  
Suddenly, late into the night, James said, "Stop!"  
  
Instead of punching him, Lily did. "Err, what?"  
  
James looked deeply into Lily's GREEN PICKLED eyes. "I suddenly realized that you are very beautiful and popular."  
  
Lily stared back, suddenly returning the longing. "OH MY GAWD! Like sooo are you!"  
  
"Let's make out!" cried James.  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
So they proceeded to randomly make out, even though they'd hated each other just a moment before.  
  
"Oh James, I thought I'd hated you for seven years, but it was really misplaced love!" Lily said, hugging her sweeeet luv.  
  
"Me too! Say, let's get married in a week even though we're only 17, and then let's have a son that looks like me with your GRANNY SMITH APPLE EYES!"  
  
"Actually, let's make him now!" Lily said lustily. "We'll name the kid Harry!"  
  
James roared, and the both went at it, until, 14 hours later, Sirius, Remus, and Peter opened the closet door.  
  
"Finally!" Peter hooted. "I get to see Lily naked!"  
  
"Yeah!" repeated Sirius and Remus.  
  
"I'm glad you guys approve," said a naked James, who mistook the naked comment to be congratulations, "Because she's pregnant with a boy named Harry and we're getting married next week!"  
  
"Actually sexy stud, let's do it now!" said a naked Lily.  
  
"Okay!" Without bothering to put their clothes on, James and Lily ran to get married.  
  
Peter came to a sudden realization. "Wait...they're getting married?"  
  
"Uh-huh," said Sirius and Remus mindlessly.  
  
"NOOOO! It was just a joke! I only wanted to have some fun! Lily was supposed to be mine! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, JAMES POTTER!"  
  
Peter fainted, suddenly KNOWING the boy that would kill him was a'growin in Lily's tummy-tummy.  
  
*****  
  
End of part 5.  
  



	6. Draco x Ginny

**Thirty Second Romances  
**

  


_Part six: Draco/Ginny_  


  
Notes: Even though this 'ship is popular with many of my fellow H/Hr friends, I've never liked it. It makes even less sense to me than Draco/Hermione and Draco/Harry. Draco/Ginny is probably up there with Draco/Ron for my least favorite pairing.  
  
Notes2: Most D/G fics feature Draco going good, but this one features evil!Ginny, mainly so it's not too similar to my D/Hr romance. I've seen enough bad!Ginny/Draco fics to spoof it.  
  
*****  
  
He was a bad, bad boy, and she was a bad, bad, guuuuuurl.  
  
For unknown reasons, Ginny knew muggle songs extremely well. "I've been a bad, bad girl," she began to croon.  
  
"Will you shut up?" came a mysterious voice.  
  
Ginny looked in the direction of the bed the voice came from. "Erm, Hermione, why are you in the 6th year girls' dorms? Your bed is in the 7th year room."  
  
"Oh, for canon's sake, who gives a shit," Hermione groaned. "If you must know, I'm here to talk."  
  
"Talk? I want to sing Fiona Apple!"  
  
Hermione groaned. "No, talk! See, Harry, me, and especially Ron are extremely worried about you."  
  
"Whatever, cheeka."  
  
"Look girl, in about three months you've gone from Ron's innocent little sister to goth chick. I mean, I was kind of worried when you dyed your hair black. And now you've got all that black lipstick on, and like omigod, is that a dark mark tattoo?"  
  
"Actually, it's a dark mark," Ginny said happily.  
  
Hermione's BRILLIANT mind went to work. "What! You've gone bad, Ginny? Eeeeekers!"  
  
"Yes I've gone bad you moron!"  
  
"But why?"  
  
Ginny glared like an ICE PICK. "What business is it of yours bitch? Now get the hell out before I Aveda Kedavra you!"  
  
"TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!!" Hermione, who'd always had an odd yell, ran out in terror.  
  
"Oh thank Voldemort," Ginny cackled, the dorm room all to herself. She continued singing Fiona Apple as she put on her black GOTH BABE! outfit, even though she was supposed to wear robes. But hey, she was a rebel!  
  
"I'm a rebel chick, and you'd better believe it!" Ginny screamed at the Generic Sixth Year who entered, causing the poor girl to turn away and report Ginny to the mental institute.  
  
Ah yes, she suddenly looked like perfection goth itself! Ginny loved the way she looked, and she knew she would convince Draco Malfoy, the baddest bad boy of 'em all, that they were made for each other!  
  
"Teleportaradaparkoitoeirwone!" Ginny cried out in, erm, Latin? She landed in Draco's room. Due to amazing chance, he was there and all alone.  
  
"Hello, Bad Girl Ginny. What are you doing here?" asked Draco.  
  
"As you know Draco, I'm a bad bad girl, and I'm nothing like those other pathetic Weasleys," Ginny spouted.  
  
"Um, right," said Draco. "So how'd you get to be such an AWESOME BAD GIRL GOTH CHICK, Ginny?"  
  
Ginny laughed for a long long time. "It was his sexiness, Tom Riddle! I loved his HOT BOD! Even though he raped me as an 11-year-old, I loved it because you know how fun rape can be!"  
  
"I sure do," said Draco. "My daddy does it every time I come home, and boy is it fun!"  
  
"Okay, so since then I've been attracted to hot bad boys! Yeah, awesome!" Ginny cried, high-fiving Draco.  
  
"So what bad boyz?" asked Draco.  
  
"Well, actually just one bad boy."  
  
"Which bad boy, girl?"  
  
"Actually it's you my hunky piece of manhood Draco Malfoy?"  
  
Draco's mouth opened. "Uh, right. Okay, I'll add you to my list of People Who Have a Crush on me." He took out a piece of paper.  
  
"Whoah, 816 names? Geez!" said Ginny.  
  
"Yes, so you'll have to wait your turn!"  
  
"Nooooooooo!" Ginny wailed, positively SAD. "I made myself an EVIL BAD CHICK for you! I got the dark mark! I renounced my family!"  
  
For unknown reasons, that plea made Draco act greatly out of character. "Oh my God sista, you did that all for me?"  
  
"Yes, my hunky bad boy!"  
  
"I had no idea, Ginny!"  
  
"But now you do!"  
  
"Yes I do!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Um Draco, this conversation is now pointless."  
  
Draco leaned his sexy bod in and passionately made out with Ginny. "You're right, it is!"  
  
"So, let's just make out instead!"  
  
They made out for six hours, 7 minutes, and 38 seconds.  
  
"That was awesome Ginny!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
Draco looked at Ginny with OOC fluffy happiness. "I no longer care that you are a Weasley because you are my True Love!"  
  
"Oh, alas, it is so Romeo and Juliet!" Ginny cried, instantaneously writing poetry. "But I gave up my side for yours so this is a happy ending BAD BOY{!"  
  
"That's right Bad Girl! You know, Pansy and slytherin girls are BIG FAT UGLY BITCHES! I always knew I needed a Gryffindor babe!"  
  
"I'm so glad I came for you," said Ginny, grinning widely. "And you will need an heir, right?"  
  
"Yes, as a 17-year-old, I need an heir RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"  
  
"Great! Let's make an heir for you right now! I promise he won't have red hair!"  
  
"My sweet love!"  
  
Moooooaaaaaaaan.....  
  
So Draco and Ginny got busy fast and made an heir. After taking over the world, they made a band called "Goth Chick and Punk Boy."  
  
And then they lived eeeeeevillly ever after.  
  
*****  
  
End of part 6.  
  
(next up will probably be Draco/Harry)


	7. Draco x Harry

**Thirty Second Romances**  


  


_Part Seven: Draco/Harry_  
  


Watch Harry and Draco get together in a potions class gone wacky! Anyone else hate majorly OOC Slytherins?  
  
General notes: I'm sort of on hiatus for now; read my author profile to see why (it's nothing too exciting though). However, I'm going to try and update this series when I can because I love it and it has a big following.  
  
***  
  
Harry walked into potions class with Ron and Hermione, unhappy as usual that he had to partake in such means of human torture. _Well, at least Ron's letting me sit with Hermione today! _ He thought, glad Neville wouldn't have the chance to let him blow up his cauldron today.  
  
"Hey Harry, wanna go out with me? I love you!" Hermione randomly announced as they sat down.  
  
Harry looked at her strangely for a minute. "Um, Hermione are you feeling okay? You know you aren't my type, platonic friend!"  
  
"You're right!" Hermione gasped. "I don't know what got into me. Besides, everyone knows I'd rather hook up with Professor Lupin. Or Fleur."  
  
Meanwhile, Harry was thinking. _Oh, woe is me! I'm madly in love with my worst enemy instead of liking smart intelligent girls who like me back like Hermione or Ginny or my crush Cho! No, I'm suddenly in love with DRACO MALFOY! Every time he insults me he turns me on! But alas, he will never love me back!  
_  
"TIME FOR CLASS!" Professor Snape yelled at the top of his lungs. "Okay for fun you guys I've decided to pair everyone up with a random Slytherin while we make our potion!"  
  
"But Snape!" called out random Slytherin #1, "You'd never torture Slytherins by making them work with Gryffindors!"  
  
"Yeah!" said random Slytherin #2.  
  
"FOR THE SAKE OF PLOT, SHUT UP!" screamed Snape. Everyone did.  
  
"Oooookay...how about Weasel with androgynous Blaise, Granger with Goyle, and POTTER with MALFOY!"  
  
"Hey, what about the rest of us!" cried the other Slytherins and Gryffindors.  
  
"Um, whatever," mumbled Snape.  
  
Ohmigawd I have to work with Draco! My secret love! How can I work with him without telling him it's him I truly love and not Cho Chang?  
  
Ohno, I'm working with Potter! Why is my heart beating so badly at the mere thought of him? Has he figured out that my incredibly mean insults are truly homoerotic visions and not my secret plan to kill him off? Oh, sigh, I can't like a good guy this way. Help me!  
  
"I hate you Potter!"  
  
"I have you too, Malfoy!" they yelled at each other as they sat down.  
  
"Five Gazillion points from Slytherin, Malfoy," Professor Snape sneered.  
  
"But you never, like, like totally, take like points from us!" cried Pansy Parkinson.  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Snape snickered. "Okay, so we're going to make a HEARTTHROB POTION today! You take it and it tell you who your heartthrob is!"  
  
The class ran to the bathroom and puked.  
  
"Okay, here's the list of directions. Start!"  
  
"Malfoy, you get the ingredients."  
  
"No, you Potter!"  
  
"You Malfoy!"  
  
"You Potter!"  
  
Somehow, in their midst of arguing, true sexual desire came through and they managed to get the ingredients. In the midst of the following arguments, the potion assembled itself.  
  
"Why do you always yell at me Draco?" Harry whimpered softly.  
  
"I hate you Harry," he whispered back.  
  
"OHMIGAWD!" Harry yelled. "YOU CALLED ME HARRY?"  
  
"So?"  
  
"THIS MEANS YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME!" Harry cried so loudly everyone heard him.  
  
"Err..."  
  
"Ya, you got dat! Tru dat!" Harry said with a huge grin.  
  
Ron and Hermione telepathically whispered to each other from across the room. "Could they be true?" they asked each other.  
  
"We dunno," came out the clueless response, just happy they'd avoided the H/D slash cliche of being the R/Hr subpairing.  
  
"Oh look, our potion is done!" said Harry. "We both have to take it and see who our true heartthrobs are!"  
  
"YEAH!" cried the class.  
  
So they both took their potions, and lo and behold, a picture of Draco cropped up on Harry's desk, and a picture of Harry on Draco's!  
  
Draco pouted. "It's true, I'm in love with you Harry Potter and I have been ever since I insulted you on the train as a first year! Forgive my misplaced feelings!"  
  
"Okay but only cause I love you too!" said Harry.  
  
So then they leaned in and started making out, and the rest of the class, being voyeurs, decided to watch. But suddenly, Harry stopped. "How will this work out?" he wailed. "You're bad and I'm good?"  
  
"Ah, who cares? Let's just have a secret sex life. In fact, let's have sex now!" said Draco.  
  
"Okay!"  
  
So they started stripping in front of everyone, and Dumbledore randomly popped his head in.  
  
"Ah, two lovers having sex in the middle of class," he sighed. "I knew this would happen. They're destined for each other!"  
  
"YAY!" cried the class of Gryffindors, Slytherins, and Snape.  
  
"A bigillion points to Gryffindor and Slytherin!" Snape cried excitedly.  
  
"Man, Crabbe is looking hot suddenly!" Hermione cried, rushing over to her new Slytherin true love.  
  
"Millicent, come to me baby!" Ron cried.  
  
And soon the room had enveloped itself into a massive Slytherin/Gryffindor orgy, including Snape and Dumbledore. Everyone fell in love with everyone else.  
  
In the meantime, Harry and Draco managed to save the world with their extra-special mutated large genitals, but that's another tale for another time, my friends.  
  
***  
  
_End of Part 7  
  
_Next up: Snape/Hermione!


	8. Snape x Hermione

**Thirty Second Romances**  
  
_Part Eight: Snape/Hermione_  


  
_Notes:_ Got this one cranked out on the final evening of spring break in between watching the Oscars. This is a S/Hr fic...the pairing? Well, let's just say I cringe at the thought!  
  
*****  
  
"I'm in LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!"  
  
"Um, Professor Snape? Those are your thoughts on my potions paper?" asked a thorough frightened Draco Malfoy.  
  
Snape cleared his throat. "Er, sorry about that. The paper is fine. Yeah, fine. Now go away."  
  
Draco stood up. "Sure professor, but you're acting a bit odd. Are you spying on me or something."  
  
"NO!" Snape cried. "I'm just madly in love with a student of mine," he murmured. "It makes me act strangely."  
  
"Whoah, are you TRYING to get me out of here!?" Draco screamed, running out of the room. "I hope you were kidding. You in love? Man prof, that's giving me bad mental images!"  
  
Snape just grinned stupidly, not caring what his favorite pupil thought. After all, his lovely lady was an enemy of Draco. Yes, despite her greasy, busy hair and rodent teeth (the makeover fourth year had only been temporary), Snape loved his Smart Gryffindor Babe, HERMIONE GRANGER!  
  
Still singing to himself, Snape walked up to Dumbledore's room. In his lovesick stupor, he forgot the password. "Bertie Bots! Carmel Canes! Sugar Domes! Animal Quackers! Damn, I give up. I think I'll just go watch Girls Gone Wild..."  
  
The door opened.  
  
"Yo dude!" cried Snape, walking in. "I guess Dumbledore's secretly into porn, too!"  
  
"Ya man, I have 500 hot videos. I'm about to watch 'Throbbing Threesomes.' Would you like to watch with me?"  
  
"Okay!" Snape paused. "Wait a minute, I can't cheat on my lover?"  
  
Dumbledore coughed. "You're in love! Eww, that's disturbing!"  
  
"Oh, shut up," Snape grumbled. "So, anyway, I came in here to get your permission to SEXILY ROMANCE Hermione Granger!"  
  
Dumbledore paused. "Miss Granger. An ugly one, isn't she? How old is she?"  
  
"17."  
  
"Underage sex with a butt ugly student of yours?" Dumbledore mused. "Well, I am drunk, stoned, and about to watch porn. Have fun Severus!"  
  
"YAY!" Snape cried, giggling as he left the office. After he calmed down, he wrote Hermione a note:  
  
_Dear Miss Hermi Granger:  
You've been a very naughty girl in my potion's class. I think you need a spanking just so you know what a bad bad girl you've been. Come to my dungeon for detention tonight, and I shall "punish" you.  
- SS_  
  
Snape GRINNED as he sent the letter.  
  
*****  
  
Hungry for sex, Snape ran to the potions dungeon as daintily as a princess about to enter a major ball. He shut the door.  
  
"You're late."  
  
Snape turned around and gasped at what he saw. "Hermione, you're dressed in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit, just like that hot Britney Spears porn...err, I mean music video."  
  
Hermione moaned at Snape. "Oh yes, Severus, I did this little get-up thing just for you."  
  
"B-but how did you know?" Snape stammered. "And how did you manage to make yourself go from ugly to...hot!?"  
  
Hermione smirked. "As you know Severus, I'm a very smart girl. I knew way back as an 11-year-old that you fancied me! Now I've just been waiting for the chance to have that piece of meat! Oh, and the look- it was your love for me that made me HOT!"  
  
"Oh Mio! I never knew I have such an effect on you!" Snape sighed.  
  
"Oh look! Now your love for me is turning you handsome, far nicer, and completely on the side of Harry!" Hermione held out a mirror for Snape.  
  
"I'M A HUNK!" Snape exclaimed in tears, hugging Hermione. The teary scene continued for a minute, until Snape snapped out of his trance.  
  
"Now Hermione, you realize you have only a 99% average in my class. You're good enough for a perfect 100%. You been NAUGHTY!"  
  
Hermione whimpered. "I have been Snape! I have!"  
  
"Now, let's lift up that skirt and give you a little spanking! Be good to teacher, and I'll give you an 100%!"  
  
"YES PROF SEVERUS YES!"  
  
And so a night of hot S&M bonding continued, and Hermione, with her new naughty image, got her average up to not only a 100%, but a 102%, Snape's hot look allowed him to score with everyone he wanted to (although Hermione stayed his true love), and Dumbledore found watching their porno videos must exhilarating.  
  
END OF PART 8  
  
Not sure which pairing I'll do next, but sit tight!


	9. Remus x Sirius

**Thirty Second Romances**  


  


_Part Nine: Remus/Sirius_  


  
Sorry for the long delay- I've been in summer school, and it's been killing me. Anyway, despite fictionalley park voting this as the most likely slash to happen in canon, there's lots of pretty unbelievable cliches out there. Let the bloodbath begin!  
  
(Note- no explicit OOtP spoilers. Hooray!)  
  
*****  
  
It was the train ride before first year, and Remus was sitting around all along, brooding and angsting over how simply PAINED he was. See, he was a werewolf, and oh woe was him, he could never live a normal life. Alas, he would have no friends! WAAAAAH!!!!  
  
"Yo you look like totally awesome!" Remus looked over and saw a couple guys. Man they're hot, thought the 11 year old. Oh wait! No sexy thoughts yet!  
  
"I-I d-d-d-d-d-do?" stammered young, wallflower Remus.  
  
"Yeah hi, I'm James, and I'm cool and sexy, and even though I'm eleven, the chicks dig me already! Yoo hoo Lily, you sexy thang!" he yelled, getting up.  
  
"ASSHOLE!" Lily yelled, slapping him for no apparent reason and knocking him out.  
  
Sirius turned to Remus. "Okay dude, so I'm like his best friend and we're so joined at the hip, except that I find myself strangely attracted to you. I'm also deeply tortured beneath my cool exterior? Wanna be sex partners- I mean friends?"  
  
After a minute of tortured wallowing that they could never discover his secret, Remus shook it. "Okay!"  
  
Peter walked in and grinned. "I like overalls," he said, before disappearing for the rest of the story.  
  
*****  
  
So some time went bye and some random events happened, like everyone turning into animals and unimportant stuff like that, and soon they were 15 year old Gryffindors! And boy were they STUDS!  
  
Sirius was a total player, and he'd made out with every single girl in the school by age 13- twice. Rumor had it that wiiiiiild, hotttttt Sirius liked the boiyz, too!  
  
James, meanwhile, liked hot sexy girls, too, but he really only liked Lily and she kept turning him down until they were 17, but that's beside the point.  
  
Remus was still a TORTURED SOUL. "Oh help me please!" He cried out to no one in particular. "I'm madly in love with my best friend, but he can't stay in a relationship for more than two days, and I don't think he likes guys that way!"  
  
Severus Snape popped in. "Actually, I made out with him in a broom closet last week. I still hate you guys, though."  
  
"Eww!" said Remus. "Too much information!" _But at least he likes blokes!_  
  
Sirius was secretly PAINED and SCANDALIZED too! "Help me random people! I've only been dating all of you beautiful gals because I'm really REMUS SEXUAL!"  
  
"Hey Sirius, I'm Lily, and I always knew you had a thing for him," said Lily Evans out of nowhere. "I'm the Highly Accepting Female here and I have powers for this thing- and go say something!"  
  
"Yippie!" cried Sirius, running to the Gryffindor dorms.  
  
"OMG Remus I'm secretly in luuuuv with you!" he yelled at Remus' bed.  
  
Remus' heart skipped a beat. "I don't believe you hunkalicious! I'm just another fling and I have to be permanently bound to the first person I have sex with cuz I'm a werewolf, even though that makes no sense!"  
  
"SOOOOOOOB! But I really want you sexy pie hole!"  
  
The tension continued for about a year, which pissed everyone off. But finally James and Lily got together and the tension HEATED UP!  
  
"Sweet little Padfoot, I've changed my mind. I LOVE YOU!" Remus roared, starting to make out with him.  
  
"Whoah, that was sudden," said Sirius. "What made you change your mind?"  
  
"I think it's that we were having sex in doggie form," Remus said in a deadpan voice.  
  
"Ah, cool."  
  
So then it was TRUE LOVE! And, even though this was the 1970s, the entire school thought this gay relationship was a WONDERFUL thing.  
  
*****  
  
Then all that random secret keeper shit happened, and Remus and Sirius spent twelve years feeling WOEFUL and ANGSTY but holding out the their HOTTT LUV!  
  
Then one day it all got settled in the shrieking shack, and a year later, Sirius got to "lie low" at Lupin's!  
  
"Woof woof!"  
  
"Aw Paddiefootie, it's been so long!" Remus cried.  
  
"Thirteen years!"  
  
"Let's reminisce randomly!" And so they did, thinking about the times they hard HARDCORE S&M SEX!  
  
"You know, you're all unstable because of Azkaban, and I'm angsty."  
  
"Yep, but despite all that and 13 years, we can have a perfectly normal romantic relationship again."  
  
"Exactly!" said Remus, and then they had sex on the floor and had the most Dog-happy luv for another year.  
  
*****  
_  
End Part 9_


End file.
